


Someone You Loved

by rayrod67



Category: Ballum, EastEnders (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:40:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22357339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rayrod67/pseuds/rayrod67
Summary: Mostly Ben angst. Seeing Callum on a date and his reaction to his decision and loss.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 4
Kudos: 56





	Someone You Loved

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to Lewis Capaldi and it screamed Ben. Callum will be part 2. Wrote it rather fast so there are probably mistakes. Thanks for reading

**Someone You Loved**

_I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me  
This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy  
I need somebody to heal  
Somebody to know  
Somebody to have  
Somebody to hold  
It's easy to say  
But it's never the same  
I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain _

Ben stood in deserted park head tossed back face lifted to the night sky. The ice-cold wind made his face numb and eyes water. He had been standing there for what felt like hours yet he knew it had been less than a minute. He had been in Vic enjoying a drink with both Lola and Jay when he saw them.

Callum, his Callum with another man.

Rainie's promise to find a date for Callum had been fulfilled. Ben knew he had no say or right to interfere. Callum had made a choice when he walked out and walked away from Ben. The night of his confession was burned forever in his brain. It was the end of everything for Ben. The end of his relation with Callum and all that came with it. Hope, laughter, happiness, and future filled with light and love.

Now it was all dark and cold loneliness and he had no one to blame but himself. Luck was on his side that the table he sat at was in a dark corner of the bar. Callum and his date sat at a table on the opposite side of the bar. It afforded Ben the luxury or curse of being able to see his ex-boyfriend charm and flirt with a new man.

“ _Did you think I could move on that fast from you?”_

Callum's words echoed along his brain. How stupid Ben had been to believe them. Of course, he would move on that fast. Who was Ben? Nothing but bad news and trouble. Everything that Callum didn't deserve. Ben would always be the one looking in, Never a part of something. Nothing good anyway. Not anymore. Ben was done with falling in love. Opening himself up and giving part of himself away. For what. So he could screw it up and lose it and hurt the one he cares. Nope no more, from here it is all hookups and one-offs. Relationships were no on the cards for him.

Besides, it is hard to give your heart away when you no longer own it. Callum soft laughter filtered through the crowd and pierced Ben's chest. His eyes watered at the warm memories it brought forth. Memories that would now have to keep him warm at night. When his loneliness made his body and head ache with loss.

“Ben?” Jay called out softly to his brother. He had seen Callum walk in and his concern for his brother grew. Both he and Lola knew the demons that filtered through Ben's head. Each one of those demons spoke and cursed like Phil Mitchell. Ben's father was his oldest and most ruthless of his demons. Relentless in his nastiness to release his son. The chains wrapped around Ben were cinched tight painful and suffocating. Try as he might he could not escape them. Jay had hoped that Callum would be the one to set him free. He had been wrong.

Ben forced his gaze away from Callum, giving Jay a lonely and sad smile. “I think I'm calling it a night.”

“Stay, please.” Lola grabbed at Ben's hand pleading with her big blue eyes. “Just one more drink.”

Ben lifted Lola's hand kissed the back of it and placed it down gently on the table. “No thanks. I'll see ya back home.” He told them rising, grabbing his coat from the back of his chair. 'I'm fine. Just need some fresh air.” with one last smile he turned and walked out the bar. Had he turned back he would have seen Callum's soft gaze follow him.

_Now the day bleeds  
Into nightfall  
And you're not here  
To get me through it all  
I let my guard down  
And then you pulled the rug  
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved _

Ben felt the first cold drops of rain hit his face, startling a small gasp from him. It felt cleansing after the stifling heat of the bar. His face was flushed from the alcohol and his repressed urges to cross the floor and pull Callum up and out of that man's orbit. But he had no right. No claim on Callum even though the older man had a huge claim on Ben.

Callum would always own him, body, soul, and heart.

It was odd how this loss of Callum hurt him more than Paul. It has nothing to do with loving Callum more and Paul less. That's not it at all. When Paul died Ben knew that it was over. He would never kiss, hold or make love to Paul again. He had to say goodbye, forever. There was nothing left but memories of their love.

With Callum, he had barely reached the beginning when it ended. Where Paul was forever gone, Callum was still there. Walking and living and farther away than Paul was. Because Ben carried Paul with him wherever he went. He would always. Where Paul was a closed wound, healed by time and distance. Callum was an open wound festering and bleeding. No matter of bandage would stop or cover it. Each time Ben thought it could begin to heal he would catch a glimpse of Callum and the wound tore open again. Living here side by side his wound will never have time to close. Because Ben knew no matter who Callum was with Ben would always love him and seeing him so close and yet so fucking far would tear into his flesh each time.

So what could he do?

Nothing just continue to live. Numb to everything but your loss.

Ben shuddered at the contrast of his hot tears mixing with the cold rain. He must look like an idiot standing in the pouring rain with clothes soaked all the way through. What did Ben care? Not like he gave a toss what people think. Not anymore, now that Callum hates him. His opinion was the one Ben was concerned about.

That was then and now Ben no longer mattered to the older man. Callum was making a new life with new friends and dating men that were not anything like Ben. They were good men. They were not men who would bow down to their father and ask for the death of someone who wronged them. They could hold then head up and know they were worth Callum's time and love. Ben would never be.

Ben lowered his head eyes still closed and hands clenched at his side. The very thought of Callum going home with that man he saw at the Vic. That man would know what Callum looked like after sex. How his hair stood on end and mouth red and lips swollen from so many kisses. Or how he would pull Ben close to him snuggling him under his arm and holding him close while their bodies calmed and became soft and sleepy. Right before falling asleep Callum would clasp Ben's face in his large hands and place a kiss upon his forehead, then cheeks, nose then soft lingering kiss on his mouth. Whispering his love with each breath into and onto Ben's lips.

Ben could feel his chest tighten, his breath stutter and strain against his throat. The sob he had been fighting forcing its way through him escaping into the dark cold night. His knees buckle and he falls to the cold wet ground. Head hanging down heavy with sorrow and regret.

Regret for not being good enough for his father. Regret for not being good enough for Callum. Regret for his choices. Regret for choosing the fallacy of family over love.

Fallacy because Phil does not love nor respect him. Not like he should. Phil sees only what Ben could be and should do for him and family. But he refuses to see or acknowledged the pain and destruction of the choices he forced on his children.

Poor Louise has lost the plot. She cannot function in the Mitchell dark world. She has crumbled under the strain of being a Mitchell. Ben far too lost to help her any. Not when he himself is standing on uneven ground nursing a broken heart. Louise was not the only one to sacrifice their love. Ben pushed Callum out to save him while Louise's choice was not so noble. Both choices should never have been made nor asked of them. Their broken hearts and lives continue to decay while their father sits at his throne with a new son by his side.

Ben can feel himself going under and this time there is no one who will save him.


End file.
